Content warning: systemic violence, economic collapse, and past suicidal ideation (non‑graphic).

I keep meaning to write something based on that fake Dante quote, but the last few days have been overwhelming. I’ll probably end up writing about it — or ranting about it — eventually. As for this post, it’s going to be raw, and I might lock it down. I’m not sure I want it sitting out in the open. And honestly, I hate giving myself the space to complain when people are being bombed by the U.S. empire and have it far worse.

This past month has shifted things in my life, and I haven’t adjusted. As if that wasn’t enough, something else hit recently and made it worse. I’ll survive — I always do — but there’s no end in sight yet. April is the deadline I’ve given myself to get my footing. I’m not broadcasting anything until it’s definite; I don’t count chickens before they hatch.

The last two years have been a lot: loss of income, heartbreak, getting catfished, men assuming I’m vulnerable because I write about unrequited love. Guys telling me they loved me, asking me to move away with them — unbelievable. I didn’t realize that joking around or just being kind on YouTube would be misread like that. So let me be clear: nothing I say is an invitation to anything beyond friendship. My heart’s already been broken enough — damn expectations and desires; mostly desires. *wink* And I’m not a damsel in distress. I’ll get myself out of this. I made my own bed, and I’ll remake it myself.

Someone I follow on Substack mentioned their favorite subscriptions disappearing — cogs in capitalism’s machinery, I guess. I’ve disappeared too. I haven’t had the motivation to write there. My trajectory shifted, and the poetry I’ve written feels more like something an angsty teenager would post rather than a professional adult. I started that Substack for foreign policy pieces, but I haven’t felt like writing about the empire. I added a few Taoist pieces, but even those have been sparse.

In these past two years, I’ve watched people end up selling their bodies because capitalism failed them. I’ve seen people on the brink. I’ve been there myself — rock bottom, cold steel against my head — and that’s why I need to believe I’ll escape my own situation physically someday… soon. I see the despair around me, and I want to ease it because I know exactly what it feels like. It’s awful to be alone. And while I despise toxic positivity, I’m not someone who wallows in front of others. I’ve learned not to unload too much negativity onto people. I just want them to know they’re not alone.

Lately, I’d rather distract myself with reading or studying. I joined a couple Marxism study groups on Discord, but I hate big groups and I don’t like opening up. And Discord wanting ID verification? No thanks. I’d rather stay anonymous. Music has been the easier escape anyway. Hence the music posts.

If you or someone you know needs immediate support

If you’re in danger or feel unable to stay safe, please reach out to someone right away. Most countries have crisis hotlines, text lines, or chat services that offer confidential support. You can find international options through these global directories:

• Befrienders Worldwide — a long‑standing international network of emotional‑support centers.
• Find A Helpline (ThroughLine + IASP) — verified crisis lines in 150+ countries, with phone, text, chat, and WhatsApp options.
• OpenCounseling – International Suicide Hotlines — country‑by‑country emergency numbers and crisis centers (opencounseling.com in Bing)
• LifeLine International — multilingual global access to crisis support services.
  

If you’re not in immediate danger but you’re struggling, please talk to someone you trust or a mental‑health professional in your area. You don’t have to carry everything alone.