WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. “In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms supplier to Israel without first removing the serial numbers from rocket artillery,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin reportedly told the Joint Chiefs of Staff, explaining that after assessing the situation, he and President Biden had agreed to pause shipments of high-payload munitions until the military could erase all evidence that they came from the United States. “We cannot in good conscience continue to enable a military campaign targeting innocent civilians in Gaza unless we’ve covered all our tracks. Tell your men and women that we have secured nearly 6 tons of steel wool that they are to use to sand down any identifying markers on missiles, ammunition, and tanks so we can confidently feign ignorance when the U.N. or the International Criminal Court comes around asking a bunch of questions. Be sure to scrape the little U.S. flags off the side, too—in fact, if there’s time, cover it with France’s or something. Then hit them all with a shammy to remove any fingerprints.” At press time, reports confirmed the armaments had arrived in Israel with no return address marked on the crates.
On Monday, Elon Musk tweeted “To fear parody or criticism is a sign of weakness.”
If true, then this is Elon admitting to an astounding level of weakness. I mean, we’ve been chronicling for nearly two years now how Elon Musk talks a good game on free speech, but at every opportunity he’s had, he has not embraced actual free speech. Instead he’s worked hard to silence or punish those who say things critical of himself. This includes filing ridiculous lawsuits against two vocal critics.
A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onionobtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public’s enlightenment.
Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
Ms. Cat’s Chronicles 
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