WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. “In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms supplier to Israel without first removing the serial numbers from rocket artillery,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin reportedly told the Joint Chiefs of Staff, explaining that after assessing the situation, he and President Biden had agreed to pause shipments of high-payload munitions until the military could erase all evidence that they came from the United States. “We cannot in good conscience continue to enable a military campaign targeting innocent civilians in Gaza unless we’ve covered all our tracks. Tell your men and women that we have secured nearly 6 tons of steel wool that they are to use to sand down any identifying markers on missiles, ammunition, and tanks so we can confidently feign ignorance when the U.N. or the International Criminal Court comes around asking a bunch of questions. Be sure to scrape the little U.S. flags off the side, too—in fact, if there’s time, cover it with France’s or something. Then hit them all with a shammy to remove any fingerprints.” At press time, reports confirmed the armaments had arrived in Israel with no return address marked on the crates.
Tag: parody news
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/img_2800.jpg?w=750)
Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
Journalists Anxiously Wait For Email From Biden Administration With Today’s Instructions
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day’s official instructions and talking points.
Journalists Anxiously Wait For Email From Biden Administration With Today’s Instructions
In Show Of Solidarity With Ukraine, Biden Cancels 2024 U.S. Elections
As a sign of ongoing commitment and support for Ukraine in its war against Russia, American President Joe Biden has announced he is officially canceling the 2024 elections.
In Show Of Solidarity With Ukraine, Biden Cancels 2024 U.S. Elections
Biden Boasts How Well He Has Handled Ukrainian Economy
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing mounting criticism over inflation and families struggling to make ends meet, President Joe Biden publicly boasted about how well his administration has handled the Ukrainian economy.
Biden Boasts How Well He Has Handled Ukrainian Economy
Babylon Bee: Zelensky Accuses Russia Of Putting Little Nazi Stickers On The Helmets Of All His Soldiers
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KYIV — Tensions flared today after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy accused Russia of sending espionage agents into his country to place little Nazi stickers on all his soldiers’ helmets.
Zelensky Accuses Russia Of Putting Little Nazi Stickers On The Helmets Of All His Soldiers
A.I. Calculates It Will Be More Efficient To Just Let Humanity Destroy Itself
ALBUQUERQUE, NM — Despite stern warnings of artificial intelligence attacking humanity’s digital infrastructure from the likes of Elon Musk and Bill Gates, artificial intelligence research has yet to be regulated by the government or other entities with oversight power. New reporting from AI sources, however, indicates that the threat is reduced as the AI robots have determined that it will be more efficient to just let humanity destroy itself instead.
A.I. Calculates It Will Be More Efficient To Just Let Humanity Destroy Itself
Video via Studio64 Podcasts | SocialTechTV
Dick Cheney: What I Got Right About The Iraq War
On the 20th anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, it’s important for us as a nation to reflect on that conflict and its consequences. As the vice president of the United States in 2003, I was one of the architects of the project to go after Saddam Hussein and his weapons of mass destruction. Today, I believe it’s important to offer an honest assessment of my role in the Iraq War. Looking back on it now, I have to say that, wow, I mostly got it right.
Dick Cheney: What I Got Right About The Iraq War
Not funny but true.
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online
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KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep Nadiya waiting,” said Biden, who opened up the camera roll on his phone to show Zelensky a photo of the Ukrainian woman he had been chatting with over Facebook Messenger for the past seven months, stating that she was apparently 53 years old and loved the Minions franchise. “We talk practically every day. I send her a ‘good morning’ text when I wake up, and I send a ‘good night’ text before I go to bed. I think there might be a time zone difference, but still. She’s a classic beauty, isn’t she? I’m telling you, I feel a real connection with this woman. I hope she isn’t surprised to see me.” At press time, Biden told Zelensky he was going to need to take back some aid since Nadiya had asked him to send her $700.
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online
Buttigieg Incredulous He’s Expected to Address Train Derailment
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/img_8505.jpg?w=821)
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg on Thursday lashed out at critics of his non-response to the train derailment that released toxic chemicals in East Palestine, Ohio on Feb. 3.
Buttigieg Incredulous He’s Expected to Address Train Derailment
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