WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. “In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms supplier to Israel without first removing the serial numbers from rocket artillery,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin reportedly told the Joint Chiefs of Staff, explaining that after assessing the situation, he and President Biden had agreed to pause shipments of high-payload munitions until the military could erase all evidence that they came from the United States. “We cannot in good conscience continue to enable a military campaign targeting innocent civilians in Gaza unless we’ve covered all our tracks. Tell your men and women that we have secured nearly 6 tons of steel wool that they are to use to sand down any identifying markers on missiles, ammunition, and tanks so we can confidently feign ignorance when the U.N. or the International Criminal Court comes around asking a bunch of questions. Be sure to scrape the little U.S. flags off the side, too—in fact, if there’s time, cover it with France’s or something. Then hit them all with a shammy to remove any fingerprints.” At press time, reports confirmed the armaments had arrived in Israel with no return address marked on the crates.
Tag: Satire
Everything We Learned From Oprah’s Weight Loss Special
Everything We Learned From Oprah’s Weight Loss Special
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New Evidence Indicates Critical Race Theory Escaped From A Lab In A College Humanities Department
U.S. – Scientists have discovered mounting evidence that critical race theory escaped from a lab in a college humanities department some decades ago. Originally thought to be a deranged conspiracy theory, the idea that CRT escaped from a liberal arts program is now accepted as mainstream consensus.
New Evidence Indicates Critical Race Theory Escaped From A Lab In A College Humanities Department
‘The Onion’ Has Obtained A Copy Of Everyone Named In The Jeffrey Epstein Trial
A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onionobtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public’s enlightenment.
‘The Onion’ Has Obtained A Copy Of Everyone Named In The Jeffrey Epstein Trial
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel
Facing millions in lost advertising revenue after he championed an antisemitic conspiracy theory on Twitter, Elon Musk toured Israel and met with the country’s leaders. The Onion examines everything Musk did while visiting Israel.
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel
The Hate Machine
I think something’s wrong with my Hate Machine.
I’ve got it turned up to 10, but I’m still not feeling it.
The hate. The murderous, self-righteous hate. The mindlessly fanatical hate.
The Hate Machine
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
While it’s common knowledge that citizens have very little influence on elected officials, The Onion asked U.S. politicians how their constituents feel about a ceasefire in Gaza, and this is what they said.
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
The Onion: Americans Try To Define ‘War Crime’
With the conflict in Gaza provoking debate over what constitutes a violation of international humanitarian law, The Onion asked Americans to define a “war crime,” and this is what they said.
Americans Try To Define ‘War Crime’
Lindsey Graham Calls On The United States To Bomb Every Country In The World
As tensions escalate in the Middle East following the deadly terrorist attacks by Hamas on Israel, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham sought to resolve the conflict and restore peace to the region by calling for the United States to begin bombing every country in the world.
Lindsey Graham Calls On The United States To Bomb Every Country In The World
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
Ms. Cat’s Chronicles 
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