WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. “In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms supplier to Israel without first removing the serial numbers from rocket artillery,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin reportedly told the Joint Chiefs of Staff, explaining that after assessing the situation, he and President Biden had agreed to pause shipments of high-payload munitions until the military could erase all evidence that they came from the United States. “We cannot in good conscience continue to enable a military campaign targeting innocent civilians in Gaza unless we’ve covered all our tracks. Tell your men and women that we have secured nearly 6 tons of steel wool that they are to use to sand down any identifying markers on missiles, ammunition, and tanks so we can confidently feign ignorance when the U.N. or the International Criminal Court comes around asking a bunch of questions. Be sure to scrape the little U.S. flags off the side, too—in fact, if there’s time, cover it with France’s or something. Then hit them all with a shammy to remove any fingerprints.” At press time, reports confirmed the armaments had arrived in Israel with no return address marked on the crates.
Tag: satire news
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
While it’s common knowledge that citizens have very little influence on elected officials, The Onion asked U.S. politicians how their constituents feel about a ceasefire in Gaza, and this is what they said.
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/img_2800.jpg?w=750)
Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
Journalists Anxiously Wait For Email From Biden Administration With Today’s Instructions
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day’s official instructions and talking points.
Journalists Anxiously Wait For Email From Biden Administration With Today’s Instructions
Kid Rock Claims Drinking Bud Light Was Research For New Book
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/08/img_0424.jpg?w=226)
Kid Rock was spotted drinking a Bud Light recently. He claims it was research for a new book that he is writing. Kid Rock told Madhouse News, “Things are not what they seem. I am an innocent man, it was merely research for a new book that I am working on.”
Kid Rock Claims Drinking Bud Light Was Research For New Book
New White House Janitor Günter Hiden Arrives To Clean Up Leftover Cocaine
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/07/img_6231.jpg?w=634)
WASHINGTON, D.C. — New White House janitor Günter Hiden received high marks for punctuality after arriving early Wednesday to clean up the leftover cocaine that had been previously discovered in the White House’s famous West Wing.
New White House Janitor Günter Hiden Arrives To Clean Up Leftover Cocaine
In Show Of Solidarity With Ukraine, Biden Cancels 2024 U.S. Elections
As a sign of ongoing commitment and support for Ukraine in its war against Russia, American President Joe Biden has announced he is officially canceling the 2024 elections.
In Show Of Solidarity With Ukraine, Biden Cancels 2024 U.S. Elections
Babylon Bee: Zelensky Accuses Russia Of Putting Little Nazi Stickers On The Helmets Of All His Soldiers
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/img_4872.jpg?w=1024)
KYIV — Tensions flared today after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy accused Russia of sending espionage agents into his country to place little Nazi stickers on all his soldiers’ helmets.
Zelensky Accuses Russia Of Putting Little Nazi Stickers On The Helmets Of All His Soldiers
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/img_8843.jpg?w=640)
KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep Nadiya waiting,” said Biden, who opened up the camera roll on his phone to show Zelensky a photo of the Ukrainian woman he had been chatting with over Facebook Messenger for the past seven months, stating that she was apparently 53 years old and loved the Minions franchise. “We talk practically every day. I send her a ‘good morning’ text when I wake up, and I send a ‘good night’ text before I go to bed. I think there might be a time zone difference, but still. She’s a classic beauty, isn’t she? I’m telling you, I feel a real connection with this woman. I hope she isn’t surprised to see me.” At press time, Biden told Zelensky he was going to need to take back some aid since Nadiya had asked him to send her $700.
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online
Buttigieg Incredulous He’s Expected to Address Train Derailment
![](https://thechaoscat.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/02/img_8505.jpg?w=821)
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg on Thursday lashed out at critics of his non-response to the train derailment that released toxic chemicals in East Palestine, Ohio on Feb. 3.
Buttigieg Incredulous He’s Expected to Address Train Derailment
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