A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onionobtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public’s enlightenment.
‘The Onion’ Has Obtained A Copy Of Everyone Named In The Jeffrey Epstein Trial
Tag: Satire
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel
Facing millions in lost advertising revenue after he championed an antisemitic conspiracy theory on Twitter, Elon Musk toured Israel and met with the country’s leaders. The Onion examines everything Musk did while visiting Israel.
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel
The Hate Machine
I think something’s wrong with my Hate Machine.
I’ve got it turned up to 10, but I’m still not feeling it.
The hate. The murderous, self-righteous hate. The mindlessly fanatical hate.
The Hate Machine
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
While it’s common knowledge that citizens have very little influence on elected officials, The Onion asked U.S. politicians how their constituents feel about a ceasefire in Gaza, and this is what they said.
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
The Onion: Americans Try To Define ‘War Crime’
With the conflict in Gaza provoking debate over what constitutes a violation of international humanitarian law, The Onion asked Americans to define a “war crime,” and this is what they said.
Americans Try To Define ‘War Crime’
Lindsey Graham Calls On The United States To Bomb Every Country In The World
As tensions escalate in the Middle East following the deadly terrorist attacks by Hamas on Israel, South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham sought to resolve the conflict and restore peace to the region by calling for the United States to begin bombing every country in the world.
Lindsey Graham Calls On The United States To Bomb Every Country In The World
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
Democrats on Capitol Hill called an emergency meeting to prepare a massive $12 billion funding bill to determine the origin and purpose of the multiple small, red, panel thingies found on the walls of hallways throughout the U.S. Capitol complex.
Democrats Propose $12 Billion Study To Determine What This Strange Red Handle Thingy Does
Military Personnel Seen Wandering Forest Pressing Button On F-35 Key Fob
HUGER, SC — A team of Marines was seen trudging through the woods, stopping every 30 feet to wave a key fob around in a 90° arc, say campers at Francis Marion National Forest. The Marines, who traveled in a tactical column, were allegedly on a mission to locate, close with, and recover the F-35 fighter jet that went missing Sunday evening.
Military Personnel Seen Wandering Forest Pressing Button On F-35 Key Fob
Related:
A missing F-35 fighter jet highlights the tragicomedy of military spending
That jet the Marines lost? Taxpayers will pay $1.7 trillion for the F-35 program
Journalists Anxiously Wait For Email From Biden Administration With Today’s Instructions
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the sun rose on a new day in America, the staunch guardians of free speech and journalistic integrity that is the media eagerly waited for the daily email from the Biden administration to notify them of the day’s official instructions and talking points.
Journalists Anxiously Wait For Email From Biden Administration With Today’s Instructions
CJ Hopkins has been given a choice of jail time or a fine for two tweets and a book cover
American satirist and playwright C.J. Hopkins has been sent a “punishment order” and a choice: 60 days or 3,600 Euros.
What is his crime? Essentially, his “crime” is insulting the German health minister in a tweet, and using a scarcely-visible image of a Swastika on a mask in a book critical of the global pandemic response.
CJ Hopkins has been given a choice of jail time or a fine for two tweets and a book cover
Related:
Ms. Cat’s Chronicles 
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