Tag: Satire

Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep Nadiya waiting,” said Biden, who opened up the camera roll on his phone to show Zelensky a photo of the Ukrainian woman he had been chatting with over Facebook Messenger for the past seven months, stating that she was apparently 53 years old and loved the Minions franchise. “We talk practically every day. I send her a ‘good morning’ text when I wake up, and I send a ‘good night’ text before I go to bed. I think there might be a time zone difference, but still. She’s a classic beauty, isn’t she? I’m telling you, I feel a real connection with this woman. I hope she isn’t surprised to see me.” At press time, Biden told Zelensky he was going to need to take back some aid since Nadiya had asked him to send her $700.

Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online

Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

WASHINGTON—In an effort to offer the American people full transparency, Defense Department officials confirmed Monday that the unidentified flying objects shot down by the military were just regular planes, and the nation had just been really high. “Yeah, so it turns out everyone was just toking it up over the weekend and must have gotten a little paranoid,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who apologized for the alarm and concern that followed after U.S. fighter pilots gunned down the mysterious flying objects that were spotted over Alaska, the Yukon, and Lake Huron over the weekend, and that turned out to be mere passenger planes. “Boeing 737s, to be specific. Whoops. An overreaction, I guess. If it helps, the planes were only three-quarters full. You guys really shouldn’t go out when you’re this high. Next time, just stay home and put on The Lord Of The Rings or something, okay?” At press time, the United States had issued an apology to China and promised to cut back on its consumption.

Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High

The War Prayer by Mark Twain

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)1 Comment

“Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth into battle—be Thou near them! With them—in spirit—we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended in the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames in summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it—For our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimmage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.
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It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.

The War Prayer by Mark Twain

“The War Prayer“, a short story or prose poem by Mark Twain, is a scathing indictment of war, and particularly of blind patriotic and religious fervor as motivations for war. The structure of the work is simple: an unnamed country goes to war, and patriotic citizens attend a church service for soldiers who have been called up.

– Wikipedia

Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained, one-man-army guys who carries an arsenal on his back and has killed so many people in combat he’s now cold, unfeeling, and completely insane—you gotta have at least one of those to spare, right?” said Zelensky, specifying that the ideal candidate would be a wild-eyed shirtless muscleman who functioned as a completely self-sufficient killing machine and could take out hundreds, if not thousands, of enemies all by himself. “In order to get the upper hand against Russia, we’re going to need your most batshit, balls-to-the-wall ex-special-forces guy. He’ll have a crazy name like Razor or Bloodhound or something, and he’ll always be blacking out and waking up covered in blood with a whole village dead around him. If he has a personal score to settle with the Russians, that’s great, but the most important thing is that he just kills and kills and kills and kills—sometimes using a cherished hunting knife that belonged to a fallen comrade, even though a gun would be faster. Honestly, he can kill a few Ukrainians too, if he wants, just so long as he gets the job done.” At press time, the U.S. Marine Corps had reportedly agreed to send “the craziest motherfucker” it had, just as soon as he had applied his face paint, donned a necklace of severed human ears, and stopped in for chest wax.

Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine