Tag: Satire

Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)1 Comment

ARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us. “Advancements in Chinese military technology have reached a point where the whole country could just snap apart along the 14,000-mile border and careen at high speeds through the waters of the North Pacific Ocean, slamming right into the United States,” said Ely Rantner, assistant secretary of defense for Indo-Pacific security affairs, adding that the 3.7 million square miles of land carrying all 1.4 billion people residents of China would whiz in a straight line toward the U.S. mainland, completely bulldozing Hawaii on its path to strike the West Coast. “With that much land zipping over the ocean, China could easily bank off Japan or the Philippines and use the subsequent momentum to propel all of its weight right into us. Our intelligence indicates that the impact of smacking that hard into the United States would cause China to flip through the air and land with a devastating thud directly on top of our nation, flattening all 330 American citizens.” At press time, Congress had passed a bill giving the Defense Department $500 billion to build a national defensive hydraulic system that would lift the United States so high in the air that an enemy landmass attempting to barrel into it would instead glide right underneath.

Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us

“Uncle Sam Sees a Shrink” by Ben Grosscup

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

Oct 4, 2022 – Uncle Sam Sees a Shrink by Ben Grosscup

So what brought me here, shrink
Is I started to think
That perhaps I’ve gone into decline
I almost forget
When the sun never set
On countries whose rules I define

My unrivaled power
Meant nations would cower
And help my vast wealth to accrue
If one wasn’t supine
Or they got out of line
Well, I’d just take them out in a coup

And I have, by far, the most nuclear warheads
Each one is on trigger alert
My hundreds of foreign bases are spread
To maintain the control I exert

So doctor, help me. I can’t understand
Why wielding this power feels pointless and bland
Even with all my arms, my wealth, and grandeur
I still feel so insecure

And be frank with me, please
I’m down on my knees
Your words come with weighty credentials
Why am I in this pain?
Can you help me regain
The status of being essential?

It just makes me irate
When erstwhile client states
Demand that I honor their borders
I feel anxious and sick
Check the Diagnostic
Manual of Mental Disorders

Hey Doctor,
What’s the assessment at which you’ve arrived?
And where’s it explained in this text?
I’m paging up there right now in the DSM Five
[Spoken] For . . . what’s that section called again?]
The military industrial complex?
Hmmm . . .

It says the symptoms are fraudsters and hacks
Win the biggest contracts
Building jet fighters and drones
Economies go down
In the cities and towns
Once lenders start calling in loans

Doc, my global franchise
Runs on free enterprise
Your opinion has caused me frustration
Just help me to see
All the threats facing me
Like the meddling done by foreign nations

Or do you mean to imply that the very armed forces
Key to the power I’ve known,
Empty me of my best resources,
And cause me to feel so alone?

My consultants attested
That you were the best but
I clearly see now you’re a phony
I pay you too well
To be left in this hell
Of the stress that comes with hegemony

This session has only made me feel more ill
And thrown your prestige into doubt
You should have known I’m a shining city on a hill
We’re done now, and I’m walking out

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“Uncle Sam Sees a Shrink” by Ben Grosscup

The Onion Files Hilarious Amicus Brief In An Important Case, And Actually Makes A Key Point In The Best Way Possible

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

from the put-the-onion’s-editorial-board-on-the-supreme-court dept

Tue, Oct 4th 2022 10:45am – Mike Masnick

In most cases, it does not do you any good to try to be funny in legal filings. In most cases, judges will not be that amused (even if those same judges sometimes try to make jokey rulings). In the world of the courts, the judges can be funny, but no one else should try. But every so often it works. The ACLU’s Eat Shit, Bob filing, for example, was pretty good.

The Onion Files Hilarious Amicus Brief In An Important Case, And Actually Makes A Key Point In The Best Way Possible

H/T: Steve Lehto

Related:

The man who wrote the Onion’s Supreme Court brief takes parody very seriously

Ohio Man Arrested and Prosecuted for Facebook Joke Appeals to Supreme Court