WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure the munitions were completely untraceable, the U.S. military began filing the serial numbers off all missiles being sent to the Israeli government, anonymous sources within the Pentagon confirmed Friday. “In the wake of recent IDF operations in Rafah, we will no longer serve as arms supplier to Israel without first removing the serial numbers from rocket artillery,” Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin reportedly told the Joint Chiefs of Staff, explaining that after assessing the situation, he and President Biden had agreed to pause shipments of high-payload munitions until the military could erase all evidence that they came from the United States. “We cannot in good conscience continue to enable a military campaign targeting innocent civilians in Gaza unless we’ve covered all our tracks. Tell your men and women that we have secured nearly 6 tons of steel wool that they are to use to sand down any identifying markers on missiles, ammunition, and tanks so we can confidently feign ignorance when the U.N. or the International Criminal Court comes around asking a bunch of questions. Be sure to scrape the little U.S. flags off the side, too—in fact, if there’s time, cover it with France’s or something. Then hit them all with a shammy to remove any fingerprints.” At press time, reports confirmed the armaments had arrived in Israel with no return address marked on the crates.
Tag: The Onion
Everything We Learned From Oprah’s Weight Loss Special
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‘The Onion’ Has Obtained A Copy Of Everyone Named In The Jeffrey Epstein Trial
A federal judge has unsealed hundreds of documents naming victims and con-conspirators in the trial of deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. The Onionobtained a copy of these documents. Here, in pursuit of transparency and journalistic forthrightness, we present the names for the public’s enlightenment.
‘The Onion’ Has Obtained A Copy Of Everyone Named In The Jeffrey Epstein Trial
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel
Facing millions in lost advertising revenue after he championed an antisemitic conspiracy theory on Twitter, Elon Musk toured Israel and met with the country’s leaders. The Onion examines everything Musk did while visiting Israel.
Everything Elon Musk Did While Visiting Israel
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
While it’s common knowledge that citizens have very little influence on elected officials, The Onion asked U.S. politicians how their constituents feel about a ceasefire in Gaza, and this is what they said.
Politicians Try To Recall How Their Constituents Feel About A Ceasefire
The Onion: Americans Try To Define ‘War Crime’
With the conflict in Gaza provoking debate over what constitutes a violation of international humanitarian law, The Onion asked Americans to define a “war crime,” and this is what they said.
Americans Try To Define ‘War Crime’
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online
KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep Nadiya waiting,” said Biden, who opened up the camera roll on his phone to show Zelensky a photo of the Ukrainian woman he had been chatting with over Facebook Messenger for the past seven months, stating that she was apparently 53 years old and loved the Minions franchise. “We talk practically every day. I send her a ‘good morning’ text when I wake up, and I send a ‘good night’ text before I go to bed. I think there might be a time zone difference, but still. She’s a classic beauty, isn’t she? I’m telling you, I feel a real connection with this woman. I hope she isn’t surprised to see me.” At press time, Biden told Zelensky he was going to need to take back some aid since Nadiya had asked him to send her $700.
Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online
The Onion Two-For-One: Ohio Train Derailment
Highlights Of Biden’s State Of The Union Address
President Joe Biden delivered his second State of the Union address to the nation last night. The Onion looks at the highlights of the president’s speech.
Highlights Of Biden’s State Of The Union Address
Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High
WASHINGTON—In an effort to offer the American people full transparency, Defense Department officials confirmed Monday that the unidentified flying objects shot down by the military were just regular planes, and the nation had just been really high. “Yeah, so it turns out everyone was just toking it up over the weekend and must have gotten a little paranoid,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who apologized for the alarm and concern that followed after U.S. fighter pilots gunned down the mysterious flying objects that were spotted over Alaska, the Yukon, and Lake Huron over the weekend, and that turned out to be mere passenger planes. “Boeing 737s, to be specific. Whoops. An overreaction, I guess. If it helps, the planes were only three-quarters full. You guys really shouldn’t go out when you’re this high. Next time, just stay home and put on The Lord Of The Rings or something, okay?” At press time, the United States had issued an apology to China and promised to cut back on its consumption.
Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High
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