Tag: The Onion

Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

WASHINGTON—In an effort to offer the American people full transparency, Defense Department officials confirmed Monday that the unidentified flying objects shot down by the military were just regular planes, and the nation had just been really high. “Yeah, so it turns out everyone was just toking it up over the weekend and must have gotten a little paranoid,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who apologized for the alarm and concern that followed after U.S. fighter pilots gunned down the mysterious flying objects that were spotted over Alaska, the Yukon, and Lake Huron over the weekend, and that turned out to be mere passenger planes. “Boeing 737s, to be specific. Whoops. An overreaction, I guess. If it helps, the planes were only three-quarters full. You guys really shouldn’t go out when you’re this high. Next time, just stay home and put on The Lord Of The Rings or something, okay?” At press time, the United States had issued an apology to China and promised to cut back on its consumption.

Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High

Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

KYIV, UKRAINE—In a desperate plea for aid in the continued effort to expel his nation’s Russian occupiers, sources reported Friday that President Volodymyr Zelensky had called upon the United States to send a totally psycho marine to assist in Ukraine’s war effort. “You know, one of those expertly trained, one-man-army guys who carries an arsenal on his back and has killed so many people in combat he’s now cold, unfeeling, and completely insane—you gotta have at least one of those to spare, right?” said Zelensky, specifying that the ideal candidate would be a wild-eyed shirtless muscleman who functioned as a completely self-sufficient killing machine and could take out hundreds, if not thousands, of enemies all by himself. “In order to get the upper hand against Russia, we’re going to need your most batshit, balls-to-the-wall ex-special-forces guy. He’ll have a crazy name like Razor or Bloodhound or something, and he’ll always be blacking out and waking up covered in blood with a whole village dead around him. If he has a personal score to settle with the Russians, that’s great, but the most important thing is that he just kills and kills and kills and kills—sometimes using a cherished hunting knife that belonged to a fallen comrade, even though a gun would be faster. Honestly, he can kill a few Ukrainians too, if he wants, just so long as he gets the job done.” At press time, the U.S. Marine Corps had reportedly agreed to send “the craziest motherfucker” it had, just as soon as he had applied his face paint, donned a necklace of severed human ears, and stopped in for chest wax.

Zelensky Calls On U.S. To Send Totally Psycho Marine

Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)

Everything We Know About Elon Musk’s ‘Twitter Files’

It’s odd that Musk and Matt Taibbi chose to focus on some racy photos of Hunter rather than all the evidence of the Bidens’ corruption involving Burisma, but maybe that’s what the next thread will be about.

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This Is By Far Elon Musk’s Least Interesting Scandal

I mean, the guy killed some monkeys and keeps impregnating employees, for God’s sake.

Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us

Tina Marie (Ms. Cat)1 Comment

ARLINGTON, VA—Stating that America’s top rival on the global stage now had the ability to carry out such an attack, Pentagon officials warned this week that the entirety of China’s landmass could break off and zoom across the ocean to get us. “Advancements in Chinese military technology have reached a point where the whole country could just snap apart along the 14,000-mile border and careen at high speeds through the waters of the North Pacific Ocean, slamming right into the United States,” said Ely Rantner, assistant secretary of defense for Indo-Pacific security affairs, adding that the 3.7 million square miles of land carrying all 1.4 billion people residents of China would whiz in a straight line toward the U.S. mainland, completely bulldozing Hawaii on its path to strike the West Coast. “With that much land zipping over the ocean, China could easily bank off Japan or the Philippines and use the subsequent momentum to propel all of its weight right into us. Our intelligence indicates that the impact of smacking that hard into the United States would cause China to flip through the air and land with a devastating thud directly on top of our nation, flattening all 330 American citizens.” At press time, Congress had passed a bill giving the Defense Department $500 billion to build a national defensive hydraulic system that would lift the United States so high in the air that an enemy landmass attempting to barrel into it would instead glide right underneath.

Pentagon Warns Chinese Landmass Could Break Off And Zoom Across The Ocean To Get Us